The former hooker should be cherished for using 'cadence' in commentary and his explanation of rugby's legal niceties
If you crave a little strict tempo action on Saturday teatime TV, now Strictly Come Dancing has finished, the Six Nations rugby should fit the bill with its constant refrain of "touch, pause, engage", when a scrum forms. What a feat of choreography it must be ? as complex as any paso doble ? to get eight big men locked together with eight other big men, on their feet, not moving, awaiting the arrival of the object of desire, or the ball, as we social anthropologists call it.
I am not too sure why they need to touch first, never having been to public school, but the pause is clearly to give the chaps a chance to exchange those "are you looking at my pint?" stares familiar to anyone who has ever wandered at night into an unfamiliar pub in a country town. The "engage" phase of the ritual is the tricky one, as there is no guarantee these excitable young men, geed on by the crowd in the fevered atmosphere of international sport, will wait for the call before diving into action with the party opposite.
That happened during the Scotland?England match on Saturday, without my really noticing; but then I am not Brian Moore, co-commentating for the BBC. Boy, does that man love a scrum? When the beast with 32 legs is at the centre of the action, there is no stopping him.
When England's Dylan Hartley was penalised for standing up in the scrum, Moore argued the case for the defence: "Technically, to the letter of the law, George Clancy [the referee] is right, but if you stand up when you're going forward all you do is push the momentum upwards which doesn't give you any benefit at all." Then, after seeing the replay: "You could make a case for [Scotland's] Ford standing up."
In rugby league, these issues were solved years ago, by treating scrums much like the Dutch treat cannabis. I mean, there are laws, but hey, live and let live. That is just the sort of attitude that would ruin Moore's fun. Having taken a refereeing qualification, he can declare authoritatively, and with some vehemence: "Square and engaged, square and engaged," (I thought for a moment I'd missed some long-awaited news about Cliff Richard) "That is what the law says. The law says that the scrum is supposed to be square and stationary before the ball comes in."
This was his explanation for a penalty against Scotland for engaging too early "It's a nonsense, this technical thing about 'you went slightly too early'. In terms of causation as to what goes on in scrums, the cadence and the calling have nothing to do with stability." "I was going to say the exact same thing," responded commentator Andrew Cotter. Nice touch.
But it is not just for introducing the word 'cadence' into rugby commentary that Moore is cherishable. Working in an area where the norm is merely to tell us what we have just seen, the former England hooker's legal niceties, however abstruse, can be enlightening ? even if like me you would be just as happy to see the game restarted by cutting a pack of cards (anything above a seven you get possession of the ball; for a picture card a free kick ? how exciting would that be on the big screen?).
Speaking of which, in the hippy, dippy world of liberal scrum laws, the 17th season of summer rugby league (ho, ho) started at the weekend, with Sky introducing a new feature, the "Margin Meter." As I understand it, this is supposed to work rather like the exit polls on General Election night, where they crunch the numbers and give you a fairly accurate prediction of what is about to happen, so you don't have to stay up all night watching David Dimbleby drinking coffee, and joshing with Nick Robinson.
The Margin Meter takes statistics from 700 previous rugby league games ? "fed into a computer", of course ? and delivers its verdict at various points in the televised game, on which team will win, and by how many points. Would this, I asked myself, not be counter-productive? Richly entertaining though the sport is, why watch it live if the Margin Meter has already told you what is going to happen?
The good news for Sky's viewing figures is that the Margin Meter is consistently and hilariously wrong. Widnes by four points, it told us. Opponents Wakefield won by 18.
When Castleford, meanwhile, went eight points ahead against Salford, it predicted a seven?point victory, which it then amended to six after a Salford attack. Castleford won by 14. As far as the bookies are concerned, the Margin Meter may be the greatest boon to in-play betting profits since I discovered I could bet on my iPhone.
Finally, cliche watch. "Small matter" cropped up at the Scotland?England match.Someone, talking about the future for England rugby, said: "But first there's the small matter of the Calcutta Cup." In this context "small matter" clearly means "big matter", often used about relegation battles, as in: "They have matches against Stoke, West Brom, and Bolton this month, but first there's the small matter of a visit to Stamford Bridge." Or, in an historical context, Alexander Fleming: "I have to go and pick up my dry cleaning, but first there's the small matter of discovering penicillin."
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/blog/2012/feb/05/brian-moore-rugby-union-commentary
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