The Onion paid tribute to the late Al Davis this week with three satirical pieces on the long-time Oakland Raiders owner.
The first, a headline describing the nicest thing said about Davis upon his passing. A graphic featuring highlights from "the life and times" of the owner was also posted on the website and included lines like, "1969: On what is perhaps the greatest day of his life, Davis both hires John Madden to coach the Raiders and buys his first pantsuit."
This week brought a full news story, headlined "Nation's Untalented Fast Wide Receivers Mourn Passing of Only Employer." An excerpt:
"I feel like the last of a generation," Raiders wideout Darrius Heyward-Bey told reporters Friday, stressing how proud he is to be part of a fraternity of lightning-quick but sloppy and stone-handed pass catchers drafted by Oakland who never panned out. "My heart really breaks for all the super-fast kids who can't catch in college and high school right now. Who will draft and ultimately wind up disappointed with them?" The Raiders announced that at halftime of Sunday's game they will honor Davis for employing most of the NFL's talentless speedsters over the past 25 years, with Heyward-Bey, Denarious Moore, Jacoby Ford, Louis Murphy, Arman Shields, Chaz Schilens, Johnnie Lee Higgins, Jonathan Holland, Kevin McMahan, Carlos Francis, Johnnie Morant, Doug Gabriel, Ryan Hoag, Ken-Yon Rambo, Jerry Porter, Dameane Douglas, Olanda Truitt, Raghib Ismail, Ron Lewis, Gary Gooden, Mike Alexander, and Larry Shephard all expected to participate.
Fear not, Raiders fans. Though untalented fast receivers may no longer be welcome in Oakland, slow past-their-prime quarterbacks clearly are.
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